The beginning
The 27th December 2017 will always be a very significant day for me.
It was the day that I finally found the courage to share what had happened to me.
I didn’t prepare for it or imagine how and what it would mean for me to share my secrets, I just had this overwhelming need to get it out from inside of me.
I never knew then how difficult my journey would be and how many forgotten memories I would have to manage.
But I had made a start, and so, on that day, my recovery began…
If I had known then just how difficult the journey would be, I would have tried my absolute best to squash it all back down inside of me.
Sadly I understand now, that it would not have been possible, but those that do know, will understand why at times I would be so desperate to make that happen.
During the last 5.5 years I have had my fair share of crisis points, and if it were not for a few certain individuals, I would not be here to be able to write this today.
At the time I hated them for taking away my choices, stealing my chance of peace.
I like to think that now I am grateful, and at times I am, however, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I often still plan my escape, in my mind. It’s my safety net – just in case.
When I look back at my journey so far, nothing could have really prepared me for it
I would never have thought it possible to endure the amount of extreme and overwhelming feelings and emotions that I feel on a daily basis. The inability to behave in the way I always had and to do the most basic routine everyday things without thought, preparation or help. All those things were suddenly not possible anymore.
Those first few months I spent in darkness, unable to speak or interact. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I was terrified to even close my eyes for a second. My mind completely filled with the most horrendous memories that consumed my every moment.
To feel all the emotions that came with those memories at the time as that innocent little girl, and now as the adult that I had become was scary. I was confused, muddled, filled with painful conflicting emotions, but at the same time completely numb.
A lot has changed since that day and I have learnt a lot
Many things are still the same, some still as difficult, and some even harder. In fact if I’m honest, many things are worse, although I never thought that could ever be possible.
The journey is long and rough in parts with many twists, turns and blind spots. There are a lot of hills and a few very big mountains and very often long patches with no smooth flat terrain in between to allow me to even rest and catch my breath.
Somehow I keep going and I don’t even know how, we can’t explain it, or tell others how we do it, because honestly we don’t know, somehow we just do.
Hannah
